July 2007 - Posts
I need new friends. Friends with connections. Friends with power. Friends who can help make my golden years all the more golden.
So here's the deal. If you're connected and powerful (wealthy wouldn't hurt, either), invite me to your place on NFL Sundays and we'll watch a little football together. I'll give you the inside dope on what really happened at the Iowa game the day before, since I'll have been there in a reporting capacity. I'll know things that you'll love to know. Think of how smart you'll look at the workplace on Monday morning with this insider knowledge.
It's all yours if you simply steer me toward connections and power. Material things that I can use would be nice, too.
Everybody wins. Act soon. There are only so many Sundays this fall.
Forgive the shamelessness of this, but I'm going for page hits, not unforgettable prose. With that in mind ...
David Beckham
Victoria Beckham
Michael Vick
Dogfighting
Sergio Garcia
Tiger Woods
Hairspray
Global warming
NBA referees who bet on games
Harry Potter
Rudy Giuliani
Michael Moore
SILVIS, Ill. -- In a rare twist, the John Deere Classic was won by someone who already had won on the PGA Tour.
This was Jonathan Byrd's third career win, so he isn't likely to end up on the back of a milk carton like other Michael Clark II and David Gossett, both Deere winners this decade.
I fear for John Senden, who won the Deere last year. He hasn't come close to winning since, and missed the cut by a lot at this year's Deere. I fear for young Sean O'Hair, a terrific player, but someone who hasn't won since taking the 2005 Deere.
J.P. Hayes won the 2002 Deere. He hasn't won since.
Vijay Singh is the only player to win the Deere this decade who wasn't stymied afterward. He won the 2003 Deere, then won nine times the following year and has won 17 PGA Tour events since his visit to the Quad Cities. Singh has also won in Malaysia, France, Nigeria, Ivory Coast, Morocco, Zimbabwe,
Singapore, Spain, Germany, England, South Africa, Sweden, Taiwan and Canada.
But I don't fear for Byrd. He's won before, he's only 29, and he'll win again. Maybe.
SILVIS, Ill. -- Carl Pettersson leads the John Deere Classic as of 10:53 a.m. He is vying to be golf's most famous Carl, but it'll never happen.
That honor, of course, belongs to Carl Spackler. He said the following:
"Cinderella story. Outta nowhere. A former greenskeeper, now, about to become the Masters champion. It looks like a mirac... It's in the hole! It's in the hole! It's in the hole!"
"In the immortal words of Jean Paul Sartre, 'Au revoir, gopher'"
"License to kill gophers by the government of the United Nations. Man, free to kill gophers at will. To kill, you must know your enemy, and in this case my enemy is a varmint. And a varmint will never quit - ever. They're like the Viet Cong - Varmint Cong. So you have to fall back on superior intelligence and superior firepower. And that's all she wrote."
"So I jump ship in Hong Kong and make my way over to Tibet, and I get on as a looper at a course over in the Himalayas. A looper, you know, a caddy, a looper, a jock. So, I tell them I'm a pro jock, and who do you think they give me? The Dalai Lama, himself. Twelfth son of the Lama. The flowing robes, the grace, bald ... striking. So, I'm on the first tee with him. I give him the driver. He hauls off and whacks one - big hitter, the Lama - long, into a ten-thousand foot crevasse, right at the base of this glacier. Do you know what the Lama says? Gunga galunga... gunga, gunga-galunga. So we finish the eighteenth and he's gonna stiff me. And I say, "Hey, Lama, hey, how about a little something, you know, for the effort, you know." And he says, "Oh, uh, there won't be any money, but when you die, on your deathbed, you will receive total consciousness." So I got that goin' for me, which is nice."
Good luck topping that, Pettersson.
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Joey Chestnut eats 66 hot dogs in 12 minutes and America goes nuts.
I had two of them one Saturday noon and felt bloated for hours.
I guess no two people are the same.